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Education

Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes

Q: When my father died recently, I received flowers and many condolence notes. Do I have to send acknowledgments right away? What should I say? A. It’s courteous and important to acknowledge notes of sympathy, as well as flowers or food baskets you’ve received, or contributions made in memory of the deceased. Finding the right words can be difficult, however, especially if you must write to a great many people. One widow I know had to compose 75 acknowledgments and survived only by spreading the task out over a six-week span. Fortunately, no one expects you to respond immediately, and you do have time to write when you are up to it. People do understand. In addition, it is not necessary to write an acknowledgment for a condolence card that simply bears a printed sentiment and a signature. But if someone has written a personal note on a sympathy card or on stationery, the individual should receive a response from you. The best notes are brief, unless you’re writing to someone very close to you. Just try to personalize your words, as in, “I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to receive your note. My sister always considered you her mentor (or appreciated your hospitality as she was growing up).” When a contribution has been made or an item has been sent to you, be as specific as possible, as in, “I’m so fortunate to have good friends like you. Thank you so much for your contribution to (name of charity or institution) in memory of my mother.” If you’re writing to someone who attended the funeral, you might mention that, as in, “It was such a comfort to see you at Bill’s funeral and to receive your caring note. I find myself recalling the good times we all had together. Thank you for being there.” Another option is, “This is a difficult time, and your kind words and generosity are so appreciated. Thank you for the beautiful fruit basket.” Depending on your relationship with the person, sign off with “Love” or “Sincerely” or “Best,” or simply sign your name. Whatever feels right tends to be right in these circumstances. Just follow your heart. If you use printed acknowledgment cards, which are often supplied by funeral homes, add at least one handwritten line to personalize, as in, “I so appreciate your support.”


Do you have a question you’d like Florence to answer? E-mail her at: fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com


Related articles: • How Do You Acknowledge Kindness? • When to Ask for Help • The Gift of Listening • My Journal Is My Friend • Creatively Coping with Grief Also by Florence Isaacs: • Giving a Eulogy • Burial Location • Children and Funerals • When Not to Attend a Funeral Florence Isaacs is the author of My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes and Conversations, Plus a Guide to Eulogies.

Veterans

Overview | Headstones | Burial Flags

The basic Military Funeral Honors (MFH) ceremony consists of the folding and presentation of the United States flag to the veterans' family and the playing of Taps. The ceremony is performed by a funeral honors detail consisting of at least two members of the Armed Forces. The Funeral Honors rendered to you or your veteran will be determined by the status of the veteran. The type of Funeral Honors may be Full Military Honors, 7 Person Detail or a Standard Honors Team Detail. At least one of the funeral honors detail will be from the Armed Force in which the deceased veteran served. Taps may be played by a bugler or, if a bugler is not available, by using a quality recorded version. Military Funeral Honor Teams may act as Pall Bearers if requested by the veteran/family. Who is eligible for Military Funeral Honors? Military members on active duty or in the Selected Reserve. Former military members who served on active duty and departed under conditions other than dishonorable. Former military members who completed at least one term of enlistment or period of initial obligated service in the Selected Reserve and departed under conditions other than dishonorable. Former military members discharged from the Selected Reserve due to a disability incurred or aggravated in the line of duty. Who is not eligible for Military Funeral Honors? Any person separated from the Armed Forces under dishonorable conditions or whose character of service results in a bar to veteran's benefits. Any person who was ordered to report to an induction station, but was not actually inducted into military service. Any person discharged from the Selected Reserve prior to completing one term of enlistment or period of initial obligated service for reasons other than a disability incurred or aggravated in the line of duty. Any person convicted of a Federal or State capital crime sentenced to death or life imprisonment. How do I establish veteran eligibility? The preferred method is the DD Form 214, Certificate of Release or Discharge from Active Duty. If the DD Form 214 is not available, any discharge document showing other than dishonorable service can be used. The DD Form 214 may be obtained by filling out a Standard Form 180 and sending it to: National Personnel Records Center(NPRC) 9700 Page Blvd. St. Louis, MO 63132 The Standard Form 180 may be obtained from the National Records Center or via the following web site: http://www.nara.gov/publications/forms/sf180a.pdf Is anyone else eligible to receive funeral honors? Yes. Members of the Commissioned Officer Corps of the Public Health Service (PHS) and National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), as members of a Uniformed Service, are also eligible to receive funeral honors. For NOAA personnel, eligibility is established using NOAA Form 56-16, Report of Transfer or Discharge. If the family does not have a copy of the NOAA Form 56-16, it may by obtained by contacting the Chief, Officer Services Division, NOAA Commissioned Personnel Center at (301) 713-3453, ext 102. or by writing: National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Commissioned Personnel Center Chief, Officer Services Division (CPC1) 1315 East-West Highway, Room 12100 Silver Spring, Maryland 20910 For PHS personnel, funeral honors eligibility is established using PHS Form 1867, Statement of Service (equivalent to the DD Form 214). If the family does not have a copy of the Statement of Service, it may be obtained by contacting the Privacy Coordinator for the Commissioned Corps at (301) 594-3064 or writing: Division of Commissioned Personnel/HRS/PSC Attention: Privacy Act Coordinator 5600 Fishers Lane 4-36 Rockville, Maryland 20857

Social Security

ELIGIBILITY The deceased worker must have credit for work covered by Social Security, ranging from 1 1/2 to 10 years depending on his or her age at death. WHO MAY RECEIVE MONTHLY BENEFITS A widow or widower age 60 or older (50 if disabled), or at any age if caring for an entitled child who is under 16 or disabled. A divorced widow or widower age 60 or older (50 if disabled) if the marriage lasted 10 years, or if caring for an entitled child who is under 16 or disabled. Unmarried children up to 18 (19 if they are attending a primary or secondary school full lime). Children who were disabled before reaching 22, as long as they remained disabled. Dependent parent or parents 62 or older. LUMP-SUM DEATH PAYMENT A one time payment of $255 is paid in addition to the monthly cash benefits described above. The lump-sum death payment (LSDP) is paid in the following priority order: A surviving spouse who lived in the same household as the deceased person at the time of death. A surviving spouse eligible for or entitled to benefits for the month of death. A child or children eligible for or entitled to benefits for the month of death. APPLYING FOR BENEFITS Applications must be completed in order to receive benefits. As part of our service, Kfoury Keefe Funeral Home will apply for the Lump-Sum Death Payment, on behalf of the family. For all other benefits, you may apply at any Social Security office or, if you wish, you may apply by telephone. Just dial the toll-free number 1-800-772-1213 and the operator will schedule an appointment for you or arrange for the local Social Security office to take your claim by telephone. SOCIAL SECURITY TELESERVICE - DOING BUSINESS BY TELEPHONE You may call Social Security toll-free, 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. The number to use is 1-800-772-1213. To speak with a representative, call between the hours of 7:00am and 7:00pm on regular business days. At other times and on weekends and holidays, you may leave a message and they will call you back, in most cases, the next business day. You may use the toll-free number to make an appointment either in a Social Security office or telephone to apply for benefits. To Visit the Social Security Administration Website.